This article was written in collaboration with Marion Cuerq, French children’s rights specialist, speaker, author and trainer.
7am. Your toddler is screaming because you opened their yoghurt — when they wanted to do it themselves. It’s 6:30pm, you’re both running on empty, they refuse to get dressed, crying for reasons you can no longer make sense of. They’re not yet 3. They’re not trying to wear you down, and they’re not “acting up.” The root of these reactions lies in their brain — which holds secrets that are still far too rarely shared with parents. And yet the stakes are real: understanding how it works will change the way you see your child.
Key takeaways
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Meltdowns are a normal part of development. Tantrums are common in children aged 1–3, while their social, emotional and language skills are still developing¹.
- Your toddler’s brain isn’t built for self-control yet. The prefrontal cortex, which manages emotions and impulses, is one of the last parts of the brain to mature.
- A meltdown is a signal, not manipulation. Your child is overwhelmed and needs your help, not punishment.
- Co-regulation helps most. Stay close and calm, name the emotion and wait for the storm to pass before talking it through.
- Most children grow out of tantrums by around age 5. If you’re worried, talk to your GP or child and family health nurse.
Tantrum or meltdown? Why the word matters
A cultural construct steeped in suspicion
The word “tantrum” says a great deal — mostly about the adult using it. It implies negative intent: the child decides to behave this way to get something, to test limits, to dominate. It immediately frames their behaviour as provocation or manipulation — and reflects a way of reading children’s behaviour driven by suspicion, according to Marion Cuerq, French children’s rights specialist and author of Une Enfance en Nord, who examines questions of childhood through the lens of social construction:
“When we say ‘tantrum’, we project a bad intention onto the child. We’re reading their behaviour through the suspicion filter — as if the child is trying to get the upper hand,” explains Marion Cuerq.
Where does the myth of the “spoiled child” come from?
The “spoiled child” isn’t so much a child who is showered with gifts — it’s the child who supposedly dominates their parents, tyrannises those around them, gets everything they want. A figure deeply embedded in the collective imagination of certain countries, France being a prime example — and a subject of study for Marion Cuerq. It rests on a vision of the child as a being naturally inclined toward domination, who must be contained and managed in order to prevent them from taking over from the adult in authority.
According to Marion Cuerq, this vision is the direct product of the suspicion filter. It therefore doesn’t exist in the same way across all cultures. The term “spoiled child” — which validates this imaginary figure directly in the way we speak in France — is consequently difficult to translate into certain languages, particularly those whose parenting inheritance has not been shaped by this suspicion filter. In Australia, the same filter shows up in everyday phrases like “naughty”, “attention-seeking” or “chucking a tantrum”.
What’s really happening in your toddler’s brain during a meltdown?
Neurological and emotional immaturity
The prefrontal cortex — the area of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control and the capacity to reason — is one of the last parts of the brain to mature. A 2025 University of Cambridge study of brain scans from more than 3,800 people found the brain’s wiring keeps developing until around age 32². At two or three years old, it is still very far from developed.
Asking a child to “control themselves,” “not make a scene” or “calm down” is asking them to use tools their brain hasn’t yet acquired and cannot mobilise. We are a long way from the myth of the child who is simply being difficult on purpose.
A world built by adults, for adults
On top of this neurological immaturity comes a daily reality: children in Western societies tend to live in a world designed entirely by and for adults. Schedules, rhythms, spaces, social rules — all of it responds to the needs and conventions of the adult world. The frustration this generates is real, legitimate, and consistently underestimated.
Can a child really manipulate their parent with the deliberate intention of harming them?
Putting strategies in place to get something they want? Yes — all children (and all adults) are capable of that. But manipulating in the sense of a deliberate will to cause harm for their own enjoyment? No, says Marion Cuerq. Children are, first and foremost, social beings who seek to belong, to be loved, to be understood — like anyone else — but with tools that are sometimes different from those we associate with adults: “A child isn’t a malevolent being. Imagining that they’re elaborating strategies to dominate their environment says far more about the lens we’re using to see them than it does about the child themselves.”
How to respond to a toddler meltdown (without giving in or punishing)
Reading the behaviour as a signal, not a provocation
Through the suspicion filter, an emotional outburst from a child is read as an attack — something the child is doing against the adult. Through the trust filter, it’s information: something the child is trying to communicate, for lack of any other tools.
This simple shift in reading changes everything: the adult’s emotional response, the tone of voice, the quality of the relationship in that moment, explains Marion Cuerq.
Supporting emotional co-regulation
Emotional co-regulation is when an adult helps a child move through their emotions by offering a reassuring presence, genuine listening and a sense of safety. Over time, the child draws on this secure relationship to gradually learn to understand and regulate their own emotions.
In practice: yes, this can be genuinely hard to put into action — especially when you didn’t grow up in a culture that acknowledges, names and welcomes emotions. Especially when you’re exhausted. But the benefits of emotional co-regulation are real and well documented.
What you can say and what’s better avoided
What can help in these moments:
- keeping your child (and everyone around them) safe, moving them somewhere quieter if needed,
- naming and validating the child’s emotion (“I can see you’re very angry right now”),
- staying physically close if the child is receptive,
- lowering your voice rather than raising it,
- waiting for the storm to pass before trying to resolve anything.
What’s better avoided:
- making them feel guilty (“You’re embarrassing me”),
- threatening (“If you carry on…”),
- minimising (“It’s nothing”),
- ignoring or isolating the child.
“You don’t ignore a child. And you don’t isolate them either — in these moments, they’re trying to tell us something. They’re in distress.” — Marion Cuerq
Knowing your own limits and handing over
You don’t have to handle everything alone or respond perfectly to every meltdown. Learning to recognise the moment when you feel yourself reaching your own limit — so you can hand over when possible, to your co-parent, a trusted person, a neighbour — is part of the work. And if it all feels like too much, you don’t have to wait for a crisis to ask for help: talk to your GP or child and family health nurse, or call the PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306 (free, Monday to Sunday) to speak with a counsellor or peer supporter who understands the challenges of early parenthood.
3 keys to avoiding breaking point as a parent
- Take care of yourself to take care of the relationship. Sleep, nourishment, movement, social connection, time for yourself: all of these contribute to your own wellbeing. And your wellbeing is inseparable from your capacity to nurture the relationship with your child.
- Name your emotions without making your child carry the weight of them. You’re allowed to be angry, exhausted, at the end of your rope. Verbalising what you’re feeling (“I’m really tired right now, I need a moment”) is healthy — as long as you’re not depositing the responsibility for your state onto the child’s shoulders.
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Be realistic — and be kind to yourself. You will sometimes fall back on reflexes inherited from your own parenting history. You will sometimes lose your temper. Becoming aware of and deconstructing that inheritance takes energy and time. Keep in mind that you’re doing your best within a context that isn’t always simple.
FAQ: your questions answered
At what age can a child actually “manipulate”?
Not in the way the word suggests. It depends on what you mean by “manipulate”. Putting strategies in place to get something they want? Everyone does that — children and adults alike. It’s human. But manipulating in the sense of deliberately plotting to dominate or cause harm? No — and certainly not a very young child. Children are not malevolent beings. They are social beings trying to interact and make themselves understood with the tools an immature brain provides.
What do you do when your child screams in public?
Focus on your child, not the audience: keep them safe, move somewhere quieter if you can, stay close and wait for it to pass. It also helps to recognise that your reaction may be just as much about other people’s stares as about your child’s behaviour. That judging gaze can feel crushing, and for some parents it’s the hardest part of these situations to manage. The child isn’t the problem. They’re the signal of something wider: your own level of exhaustion, the weight of social norms, the implicit expectation that children should behave themselves, the parenting culture surrounding you.
Can ignoring a meltdown work?
No, not when your child is in distress. You can ignore a swear word, to show it isn’t producing the desired effect. But you don’t ignore a child in distress. A child having a meltdown is trying to tell us something — with the only tools available to them. Ignoring it doesn’t make the need behind the meltdown disappear: it simply teaches them that their signals won’t be heard.
Why does my three-year-old smile when I get angry?
It’s a nervous response — one that exists in adults too. When faced with someone expressing negative emotions toward us, or a situation that creates discomfort, the nervous system can trigger an involuntary smile to ease the tension. In a child, this is amplified by the fact that you are their rock, their security. Seeing you angry — even when that anger is legitimate and controlled — is genuinely overwhelming for them. That smile isn’t contempt. It’s a sign of discomfort, an attempt to calm their own nervous system.
Why is my child at breaking point at childcare pick-up, when I’m told they were wonderful all day?
Because they’ve been waiting for you. It’s often called “after-school restraint collapse”, and it’s common at childcare and kinder pick-up too. They held it together all day — followed the rules, managed the separation, navigated an environment that isn’t their own, been stimulated by other children. And when you arrive, they can finally let go. This is a sign of secure attachment, not a behavioural problem. Add neurological immaturity and a cultural context that doesn’t always acknowledge children’s emotions — and you start to understand why the homecoming can feel like a pressure valve releasing all at once.
How do you support emotional co-regulation if you struggle to manage your own emotions?
Supporting your child’s emotional co-regulation can indeed be difficult when you yourself grew up in a system steeped in the suspicion filter — where emotions weren’t named, weren’t welcomed, and were sometimes punished. This isn’t about guilt — it’s about awareness. Deconstructing that inheritance day by day, learning to name emotions in front of your child even imperfectly, seeking support — professional or otherwise — when that’s possible, whether that’s your GP, your child and family health nurse or a parenting helpline.
The aim is to do the best you can with the tools you have. It won’t be easy every day. But all the effort you put in with your children helps you grow too — a little more, every day.
At what age do toddler tantrums start and stop?
Tantrums are most common between 18 months and 3 years. Most children outgrow them by around age 5, as their language and self-regulation skills develop³.
When should I talk to a health professional about my child’s meltdowns?
Talk to your GP or child and family health nurse if your child’s tantrums continue past age 5, become more frequent, severe or destructive, or if your child regularly hurts themselves or others. And reach out for yourself too if you’re struggling to cope: PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306 (free, Monday to Sunday) to speak with a counsellor or peer supporter.
¹ Raising Children Network. “Tantrums.” https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
² Mousley, A., Astle, D. et al. (University of Cambridge). “Topological turning points across the human lifespan.” Nature Communications, 25 November 2025.
³ Pregnancy, Birth and Baby (Healthdirect Australia). “Temper tantrums.” https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/temper-tantrums
